Am I Allowed to Take Up Space? Women and Shame
Today, I thought it was important to approach a topic that is near and dear to my heart—one I struggle with myself. Normally, I focus on visual journaling, but for this topic, I felt a three-dimensional art expression might offer more room to explore what we show the world and what we hold inside. I will also give you the instructions to adapt the idea to your visual journal.
Shame and the pressure to meet others’ expectations can affect people of any gender. In this post, I explore how cultural expectations can pressure women to hold back their opinions, feelings, and needs for fear of criticism or rejection. If you recognize yourself in this post, you are welcome to explore the activity through your own experience.
Am I allowed to be this direct? This confident? This firm? Can I speak without softening my words? If I express myself fully, will I still be accepted? Will I still be loved?
These questions may live beneath everyday decisions: whether to speak in a meeting, disagree with someone we love, ask for help, say no, or let ourselves be vulnerable. A woman may know she is capable and smart—maybe the smartest in the room—and still hesitate to stand up and stand out. She may feel pressured to soften her words or tone, apologize, or remain quiet.
The struggle between wanting to be seen and heard as ourselves and fearing rejection or condemnation is real.
Women and Shame: The Pressure to Be Everything
Brené Brown describes the connection between shame and the expectations placed on women: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations” (Brown, 2007, p. 30).
These expectations can pull us in different directions, leaving us unsure how to be ourselves without disappointing someone. In everyday life, they might sound like this: Be successful, but not too aggressive. Remember to soften your approach. Be confident, but not too confident. Have an opinion, but remain agreeable. Take care of yourself, but make sure no one feels disappointed or inconvenienced when you do.
For some women, the underlying demand becomes: No matter what you do, you will never be enough.
These pressures do not affect all women in the same way. Race, class, sexual orientation, age, and other aspects of identity shape the expectations women encounter (Brown, 2007).
After hearing these messages often enough, we may begin to believe them. When we cannot keep everyone happy or manage everything well, we blame ourselves. We ask, “What is wrong with me?” before asking, “Is what is being expected of me even possible?”
Perfectionism and the Fear of Not Being Enough
Brown (2010) describes how perfectionism can become an attempt to protect ourselves from criticism and rejection. It can rest on the belief, “If I look perfect, live perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame” (p. 57). She also discusses how the fear of imperfection can become paralyzing. We leave ideas unspoken, opportunities unexplored, and meaningful desires unattended because acting on them might expose us to judgment.
A woman can feel capable and suppressed at the same time. She can recognize her strengths while wondering whether expressing them will make her less acceptable.
If I stand out, will I be criticized? If I disagree, will I be rejected? How much of myself am I allowed to bring into this relationship, this room, this life?
Learning to Quiet Our Voices to Stay Accepted
Annie Rogers (1993) examines how girls can lose the freedom to speak openly as they approach adolescence. We may carry that caution into adulthood. We rehearse what we want to say. We add “maybe” when we feel certain or apologize before asking for something we need. We wonder whether our excitement is too much or our anger will make someone walk away.
Wanting to stay connected makes sense. So does wanting to speak honestly. It hurts when we feel we have to choose between the two.
Not fitting in or belonging, can create feelings of chaos. “Belonging does not require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are” (Brown, 2010, p. 25).
What happens when we have spent so much time being who others need us to be that we have lost touch with what we feel, want, or need?
Am I Allowed to Take Up Space? Exploring Women’s Shame Through Expressive Arts
Expressive arts can offer a way to explore experiences that are difficult to put into words.
Farrell-Kirk (2001) describes how a box can hold different, even conflicting, parts of our experience. Its outside can show what we let others see, while its inside can hold what we experience more privately. These parts can be different and still belong to the same person.
A box offers a way to explore the contrast between who we know ourselves to be and who we feel pressured to become, without having to resolve that conflict immediately. It can open a dialogue with our true Self: Where did I learn this? Does it fit who I am now? What have I suppressed while trying to live up to it?
An Expressive Arts Activity: Holding Both
This activity is adapted from Farrell-Kirk’s (2001) discussion of self-boxes and the capacity of boxes to hold opposing experiences. The focus on women’s cultural expectations and the prompts below are my adaptation.
Gather a small box, collage images, paper, glue, and drawing or painting materials. You can also include fabric or small objects that hold meaning for you.
On the outside of your box, explore the expectations you encounter about how you should look, behave, speak, achieve, or care for others. Use images, colors, words, or objects to represent messages you have felt pressured to follow, even when they conflict.
On the inside, explore your own experience: your feelings, strengths, needs, opinions, hopes, and parts of yourself you protect. You do not have to have it all figured out. You can include parts of yourself you are still getting to know.
When you are ready, spend several minutes sitting with your completed self-box. Look at it. Explore it. View it as a friend who has come to visit. What are you seeing? Does anything seem to want your attention? What do you hear your box saying to you? Write down whatever emerges.
Your box may hold contrasting feelings and vulnerable parts of yourself. I encourage you to be thoughtful about whom you share your finished self-box with. I would not want others’ negative comments or judgments about your expression to add to feelings of shame or self-doubt. If you choose to share, consider a trusted friend, partner, or therapist who will receive your expression with care.
Optional Approach: Create a Self-Box in Your Visual Journal
If you would prefer working in your visual journal, you can adapt the self-box activity using two pages: one representing your external self and the other your internal self.
On the external-self page, use images, colors, and words to explore what you show the world and the expectations you feel pressured to meet.
On the internal-self page, explore your feelings, needs, strengths, hopes, and parts of yourself you protect.
Create a flap or paper covering over the internal-self page. You might attach it along one edge with tape or some type of adhesive, then use string or ribbon to tie it closed. The external self remains visible, while the internal self can be covered and revealed when you choose.
When you are ready, spend time with both the internal-self and the external-self expressions. Notice what it feels like to keep the internal-self covered, then gently uncover it. What do you see? What do you hear your pages saying to you? Write down what emerges.
Expressive Arts Therapy in Texas and EXAT Training for Therapists
If you are interested in exploring these experiences through expressive arts therapy, I offer online therapy for adults in Texas through Create Therapy, PLLC. If you are a therapist interested in becoming a Registered Expressive Arts Therapist, I also offer training through Create Therapy Institute. To learn more, contact me about therapy or professional training.
References
Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me: Women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame. Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Farrell-Kirk, R. (2001). Secrets, symbols, synthesis, and safety: The role of boxes in art therapy. American Journal of Art Therapy, 39(3), 88–92.
Rogers, A. (1993). Voice, play, and a practice of ordinary courage in girls’ and women’s lives. Harvard Educational Review, 63(3), 265–296.
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